my soul continually remembers and is bowed down

The sun is retreating. I can feel it.

Every year since I've been self-conscious enough to analyze my own changes in mood, I've experienced a sinking in my spirits in the weeks immediately following the summer solstice, the longest day of the year in the northern hemisphere. As often as not, and every year for the past four, these mood changes have been accompanied by some form of broken relationship with a woman. I can look back over the years and remember the disappointments . . .

2001: settling for a job serving food in an assisted living facility: a job I never wanted but wound up keeping for almost three years

2002: sent mixed signals to a woman who was interested in me; she said I needed to grow up. Resigned my job at the nursing home, then changed my mind. I did that two more times, I think.

2003: rejected by another woman the night two mutual friends were married, which also happened to be on summer solstice. The next weekend I was in another wedding, and so my two closest friends in high school and my two closest friends in college were married over a 15 month span in which I experienced bitter disappointment with four different women. I spent the next six months listening to Radiohead, hurting myself on my bike, and writing about the cursed ground. I still don't think I've recovered from 2003. It was a rough year.

2004: spent July searching in vain for decent work: no one wanted me to work in their yard, nothing at the bike shop, too late for teaching jobs. At least the tour was somewhat interesting

2005: accepted a teaching position at WCCS and promptly started doubting whether I was born again at all. Thought seriously about not signing the contract and had a sinking feeling heading into the new job.

2006: Ivan Basso and Jan Ullrich implicated in Operation Puerto on the eve of the Tour de France. I was so depressed I could hardly function. In hindsight it was the tip of the doping revelation iceberg, and my reaction doesn't make much sense.

2007: After losing my teaching job, I spent the summer scratching my head over what to do next. Not much presented itself. One memory epitomizes that July: I told some friends I'd do a road race with them, but showed up late after not wanting to get out of bed, so I went and rode the BRP solo instead.

August 2007: started working at the bike shop. Interesting how the disappointments changed theme afterwards . . .

2008: Gotta be discreet, because the characters involved might be reading this. Another early summer relationship fail. Painful. Felt like 2003. Lots of Radiohead, Tom Conlon, Coldplay, and Wilco, and Ryan Adams. Thank God for Wilco and Ryan Adams.

2009: Ignored advice not to initiate a relationship via internet with a stranger. Bad idea. Realized it in early July, tried to make it work until late September. Even worse idea. This time I was the heartbreaker.

2010: More women after me at one time than I could count on one hand. I reacted to all the attention about as well as Sarah Palin in 2008. I succeeded in driving them all away with unprecedented skill. I think there was divine intervention involved too; the way events unfolded was beyond coincidence.

2011: Once again I'm the heartbreaker. I feel like crap. I'm appalled at how selfish I am.

This has been somewhat cathartic.

"Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gall!
My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me." Lamentations 3:19-20

New music for expressing disappointment: